Gay, visually-impaired guy writing professionally (and freelance) about disabilities, being gay, articles, opinion pieces, poems and short stories for over 15 years, mainly for small, local magazines. Obtained my Graduate Certificate in Writing from the University of Technology, Sydney in 2004.
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I love history. Always have, and excelled at it at school. Not just local and world history in general, but individuals personal history as well. Though often distorted, edited to fit the times, world history is fixed. There is only one truth to it, no matter what narrators may say. Personal histories are quite a different thing. A hundred people will produce a hundred histories, each distinctly individual, never duplicated by anyone else. I have written much about my experiences with HIV over the last 25 years, most of it via “Talkabout”. Though personal, and often intimate, none have really gotten into the nitty-gritty of my personal, lived experience. This reflective piece is to rectify those omissions, giving both a factual and lived insight into a period in gay history that should never be forgotten. The recent Covid experience really drove home to me how HIV, its past, and still present history, was no longer of any consequence. Covid was being spoken about as though it is the only pandemic of recent time. It would be interesting to see where Covid sits in 40 years time.So this is my history with HIV/AIDS. It is more detailed, and more anecdotal than my previous writings…which also means it’s much longer. It is, with no strutting involved, a story of survival, but if survival is the gauge of one’s strength and tenacity, then I have come out at the end of it with flying colours, the glass half full, so to speak.
Over 40 years has passed since I sero-converted to HIV. I remember it well…I was managing a retail store in Sydney and was due to go on leave in August 1983. My last day before going off on my break was hellish. Temperature, diarhhea, extreme lethargy, disorientation…I couldn’t wait for the day to end. As it turned out…for the fortnight it went on for to end. I had only been out for 3 years…a late closet jumper…and I have to admit to being very trashy, making up for lost time as it was. I have wondered over the years, as have many, just who it was that infected me…and where! Was it that hot American boy who was staying in The Connaught in Darlinghurst, who picked me up one night just after my return from Melbourne (very likely!) or was it a Melbourne or Sydney local who had returned from a holiday in the USA, or, like me, gotten off with American boys (the flagour of the month) here. Of course, I’ll never know, but the speculation remains anyway!
Since that time, both as a writer, and as a 12-year public speaker with the Positive Speakers Bureau, I have told of my journey with HIV/AIDS. But the story has always had constraints…either in word length with articles, or time restrictions in talks. There is a lot more to the story than I tell in these…often done by rote…sessions.
I have just finished reading Cheryl Wares “HIV Survivors In Sydney – Memories Of The Epidemic”, an oral history project that I was part of, contributing a 21/2 hour interview with Cheryl when I lived in Gaythorne, Queensland in 2014. I was disappointed in the book, for as much as Cheryl wanted it to be a story of ordinary gay men surviving HIV/AIDS, and how it affected their lives both then, and now, it really came across as a voice for…and was hijacked by… HIV activists, rather than just us bar crawling gays-on-the-Golden-Milers. I was left feeling that both my contribution, and the contribution of others like me who weren’t part of the activist community was largely overlooked…again. I know it sounds like sour grapes, and mine is only one of a thousand survivor stories, but like many others I want there to be some sort of public record of many aspects of the HIV/AIDS survival story that doesn’t make it into many articles, or talks. The one thing Cheryl’s book did do was to invoke memories of so many personal experiences…and feelings…that made my personal HIV journey…MY journey.
This is not the first time I’ve contributed to interviews and photo sessions on HIV/AIDS survival, and either been left out in the cold, or had my story overshadowed by activists…or academics. But more on that as we go along. Because this is a personal transcript, I am not putting a word limit on it, so it’s going to be long. I want all this unknown or forgotten information to be in one article. It’s not a soul-cleansing, so don’t get me wrong. I see it more as an addendum to HIV history. I want it in writing before I either forget it, or confuse it in the fog of ageing. Luckily, I am a bit of a hoarder, so have copies of a lot of the things I will be referencing as the story unfolds. To make sense of it, I guess I need to go back to the beginning.
I have written a lot on my family, the dysfunctionality of my growing up, in my blog (http://timalderman.com), so I am not going to rehash already told stories here. In a nutshell, I was born in St. George Hospital, in Kogarah (NSW) on the 18th January 1954. I had one younger brother, Kevin, who was born in 1959. My childhood was pretty uneventful until I was 11, where with my mother deserting the family home, when my brother and I were at school. My father was a difficult man, trapped in a past that had long gone! Yet, he managed to find the housekeeper from hell…to this day I have no idea where he found her, though her move from the bed in the sunroom of our Sylvania home to the bed in the master bedroom occurred within a week, so I am left to wonder… entering our lives. Her persecution of my ADHD brother was relentless, and led to the death of him, at my father’s hands, in the waters below the cliff top known as The Gap. Thisblew my innocence all to the shit. My knowledge of “being different” at age 9, and my eventual coming out after my father’s suicide are also on my blog, so let’s move it all along.
1980 finds me in Melbourne, where I had just come out as a 26 year-old. A HIV story begins. Little did I know that both my life as a gay man, and my life as a HIV+ man were to walk the same road.
So what was it really like in 1982 to be reading snippets in our local gay press about this mysterious illness (KS, or Kaposi Sarcoma), rearing its ugly head in the gay ghetto’s of America, that seemed to be targeting gay men who frequented the saunas, and quickly killed them? Well, cynicism and disbelief to start with, and the surety that within a short period of time they would find an antibiotic to clear up yet another STD. However, the snippets were to become columns, the columns pages as the mysterious and deadly virus…originally labelled as GRID (Gay-Related Immune Deficiency (Gay plague/Gay syndrome) in 1981, it was followed by HTLV-3 in 1083…human T-lymphotrophic virus type 3…leapt from the shores of America and found its way into the gay scene here. The panic and fear began!
Our response was mixed. The first case of AIDS was reported in Sydney in October 1982 by Dr Ronald Penny. In July 1983, the first recorded Australian death from AIDS-related causes occurred in Melbourne.. The most notable death in these early days was Bobby Goldsmith (1984).We had our usual ratbags who yelled and screamed about “God’s vengeance on the evil, sick and perverted gay lifestyle”…obviously a different God to the compassionate, all-forgiving one that Christians liked to rant about…the most vocal and notable being the Rev Fred Nile MLC and his Festival of Light, and Call To Australia affiliations, the advocates of hate and intolerance who demanded quarantine for all infected persons, and those of the citizenry who either quietly or vocally wished that we would all die or just go away. Mind you, we did have our fun with them. I vividly recall one early Mardi Gras…back then, joining the parade was a very informal process…where the Festival of Light were protesting at the parades starting point. Myself and some friends, dressed in leather chaps with our bare backsides hanging out of them, deliberately stood in front of them, shaking our booty, much to their horror and disgust.
There is no watering it down…discrimination and stigmatisation was rife. It was frightening!
Thankfully, common sense eventually prevailed and both the government and the grassroots gay community combined to put both AIDS Councils and NGO programs in place. Our quick response was instrumental in Australia always being at the forefront of HIV/AIDS care. Within 2 years every state had an AIDS Council under the national umbrella of NAPWA (National Association of People with AIDS), and the formation of support organisations such as The Bobby Goldsmith Foundation (BGF), Community Support Network (CSN) PLWA (which was to become PLWHA), ActUp, and Ankali. Without these organisations life would have been grim for those infected. They provided financial, emotional and spiritual support for those who, quite suddenl found them selves with a death sentence hanging over their heads, along with the fear of unemployment and homelessness in the midst of the hysteria going on.
I digress! In 1985 testing was introduced. It was a bit of a strange affair in the early days. Due to the hysteria, discrimination, and fear of being dragged off to quarantine…a genuine fear… no one wanted their personal details on a database, so at clinics like the Albion St Centre you chose a fictitious name, and the clinic then issued you with a number that then became your ID. Mine was Peter 3080. When things cooled down, the fictitious name was dropped, and replaced with your real name. You had a blood test, and waited for two to six weeks – talk about high anxiety – to get your result. At the time of my HIV test, I already suspected that I had sero-converted and was going to come up HIV+. I was right. Counseling? Oh yeah, we had a lot of that back then. “You’ve got about 2 years to live”. Shrug shoulders “Okay”. And off we went knowing the inevitable was rapidly approaching! The initial window periods were reasonably long, but got much shorter as time progressed, and the virus mutated. That I did not get seriously ill with AIDS until 1996…though their were other factors in play…I always put down to getting infected early in the history of the virus, thus getting a much weaker mutant of the virus than what was to come. I was in a relationship at that time, and my partner came up HIV-…already the juxtaposition between positives and negatives had begun. The strange thing was that I felt no need to hide my status. I turned up at the Oxford Hotel and said to friends…oh well, I’m positive. Of course, I was far from being the only one.
Then the horror stories started! The disgusting treatment of young Eve Van Grafhorst is something for all Australians to be ashamed of. Born in 1982, she was infected with HIV via a blood transfusion. When she attempted to enrol in her Kincumber pre-school in 1985, parents threatened to withdraw their children due to the (supposed) risk of infection. The family was literally hunted out of town, and forced to leave the country and go to NZ. I will never forget the sight of this poor, frail girl on her way to the airport. I, like many others, was horrified that this could happen in Australia. Thankfully, her NZ experience was quite the opposite, and she lived a relatively normal life until her death in 1993 at 11 years of age. Her parents received a letter from Lady Di praising her courage
In early 1994, I had a huge 40th birthday party at the Stronghold Bar, in the basement of the Clock Hotel in Surry Hills. At the same time, I dumped the beautiful man who had been my boyfriend.
With declining health, I thought it would be my last big birthday party.. I hoped I might get another year…maybe 2. I did not want my boyfriend to be lumbered with the care of a dying man. There were others better equipped to do that. At that stage, I had no inkling that my guess would almost come to fruition, and that within those two years, HAART (Combination Therapy) would appear. It whisked me…literally…from the arms of death. Battered and bruised from my encounter with AIDS, I was thrown unceremoniously back into society.
Even at that stage I was already, along with others who walked similar though divergent paths, a long term survivor. According to the statistics, I should have departed this life around 1987. Four years would have been considered a good run, let alone thirteen! That I had survived that long…longer than most of my social circle…filled me with a strange mix of guilt, thanks, and hope. Having been given a second chance, nothing was going to be the same again! And it wasn’t!
Now at 70…way past the self-imposed 40 deadline…and as a 41-year long term survivor, the trepidation of those earlier days is way back in the dark past. Though I still get a jolt when I fully realise the implication of those two figures…70…41! It seems surreal. I did grab the opportunity, and reinvented myself…a university degree in writing, and two TAFE degrees in both cooking (chef), and fitness have positively changed my life direction.
As a long term survivor…and I wear the badge with modest pride, having beaten the odds…the other significant aspect of having been where I have, is the knowing that I have lived…and continue to…through the entirety of a pandemic. What irks me is that, as a valuable historical resource, my knowledge is overlooked, pushed into the background of history. Covid was nasty…and still is…but was treated as though it was the worst thing to happen to mankind. Yet only 40 years earlier, one of the worst pandemics of modern times had started to run its course, and over 40 million people have died as a result of it.
Let’s get one thing straight…I’m NOT a conspiracy theorist! I would like to think I weigh things up before coming to a conclusion. I’ve seen…and heard… a lot over the last 41 years of my life with both HIV, and AIDS! Some good, some not so good. Many will not agree with me on some, or all of these points, and that’s fine! But there are also a lot who will! There will never be a Royal Commission, not even a dissection of how HIV was handled “back in the day”. There was a thinking that drastic times called for drastic actions, and thus everything was acceptable, despite any damage it caused. I’m one of those who begs to differ, even if it makes me out to be a crackpot! Oh…and another point I need to make…yes, I AM suspicious of Big Pharma! Both their intentions, and practises!
So…why am I defending myself? Well…I have some “outside-the-square” theories/thinking on how the HIV community has been used by the drug companies over the decades. Of course, they are BIG, so have a lot of clout, and nobody ever seems to question their intentions.
I have always considered it a bit odd that there have been investigations into how Covid was handled, federally and on a state level, but nothing into the handling of the HIV pandemic. As stated already, it is almost like there was an “anything goes” attitude towards issues regarding HIV. As long as an action could be justified, it was okay!
In 2018, I had a chapter dedicated to me in the “HIV Book Project” publication of the same name. Over the decades, I have had many interviews by media, including Good Weekend, and a segment on the television series Healthy, Wealthy & Wise. Apart from a very cringy article in The Bulletin in 1987, back when we knew fuck all about HIV treatment, and survival rates, my story, as interesting as it is, as told in interviews and photographic sessions, had never been published in the mainstream media. This has always appeared to be the domain of activists, HIV “hierarchy”, and academics. So much for the voice of the HIV guy on the street!
My interview and photography session for the HIV Book Project took place in Sydney Park, with an ex, and my dog, Benji tagging along. When they decided to include me in the book, I was, to a point, surprised! My opinions were controversial, and my actions to handle my HIV drug treatments my own way must have raised many an eyebrow. After all, compliance had been rammed down our throats for over 20 years, and that someone like me dared to defy the norm was, to say the least, foolhardy! To my way of thinking, our doctors didn’t decide our medication dosing…the drug companies did!
After being on one regime or another…extending back to the days of mono therapy…for over 25 years I was greatly concerned about how these drugs must have been knocking my body around. At that time, I was on a regime of three drugs twice a day. Over a 7 year period, I had made the very personal decision to halve my regime to once a day. This effectively cut out side effects I was experiencing at that time. It also gave my body some respite from the continued battering of long-term drug dosing. To make things worse…I was also taking a drug holiday every weekend. So these views and actions were published in the book. I had never admitted to anyone that I had taken this action. Not even my doctor!
After publication, I read the other stories in the book. Comparing my story to theirs, I actually felt as though I had come across as a bit of a weirdo! Perhaps to my own detriment, what I hadn’t explained was that when I started this action, my intention had been that if by halving my dosing my viral load climbed, or my CD4 count dropped, I would resume the prescribed dosing. Yet after 7 odd years of doing this, my viral load was still undetectable, and my CD4 count continued to climb! So much for the need for compliance! I’m not advocating that everyone on HIV drug regimes should do this…but it is food for thought!
And it doesn’t stop there! I openly defied those who love to claim that AZT was beneficial, and kept the wolf from the door! This was an incredibly toxic drug! Having failed as a cancer drug due to its toxicity, it was suddenly hailed as a breakthrough drug in the treatment of HIV, despite trials such as the Concorde trial (Britain/Ireland/France) labelling it as “human rat sac”. Anyone who saw “Dallas Buyers Club” would be familiar with the disdain in which the drug was held. Its side effects…and we were dosed massively with it…were horrendous, including liver and kidney damage, peripheral neuropathy, knocked the immune system around (immune suppression), and anaemia. On a HIV forum many years ago, I posted that I personally held AZT responsible for the sudden decline in my CD4 count, and the immune suppression that brought about my run in with AIDS. I thought I would cop a slamming for expressing such an opinion, only to find in the comments that many agreed with me! Like me, many regretted taking it!
I also question…please note that word…the ethics behind the pricing of HIV drugs! At one time, the actual retail price of the drug…usually in the many hundreds of dollars…was printed on the pharmacy label. Anyone on three or four drugs would never have been able to afford to buy them every month, especially anyone on a pension. One has to wonder that, without the PBS, would the drug companies have just allowed us to die…or would we also have had to run buyers clubs!
Which brings me to resistance testing…another drug company instigated test, and one I have always been…vocally…doubtful about. Excuse my cynicism, but if a drug company is developing and pushing a particular test, there has to be something in it for them!Has anyone noticed…and I’m sure you must have…that pretty well everyone who had a drug resistance test was taken off the older drugs (despite them still working) and placed on the newer drug regimes! Logic decrees that, considering the costs of research and development, Big Pharma would prefer us all to be on the newer drugs, considering that they would have the highest financial outlay! I reckon we were really duped on this one, especially considering that currently those who are experiencing weight gain…another point worth raising…from the newer drug regimes are requesting a return to the older drugs…which at some stage they would have been told they are resistant too. Interesting, that!
So call me a weirdo, or a ratbag! To be honest, I really don’t care! For no reason has the term HIV Industry been coined! Someone is making money from it, and undoubtedly keeping the shareholders happy…and it’s not US! I would rather be called a whacko…at the least, after 41 years being HIV+…that I’ve experienced enough, indeed seen enough, to know that if you are not one of the sheep who just goes along with the flow, if you are someone who thinks for themselves with a moderate dose of cynacism, you are always going to be attacked and slammed.
I have broad shoulders. I can handle a bit of criticism.
I’m a 41 year long term survivor of HIV/AIDS. I’m severely vision-impaired from CMV, and mobility challenged from one of the early drugs designed to prolong our lives.
I used to see HIV disability as a singular issue, but ageing…I’m now 70…has turned that thinking around. No matter if you are disabled as a result of birth, accidents, stupidity, or illness such as HIV, all disabled people share one thing in common. We’re disabled! And quite often, this world is designed manufactured and built by people who aren’t. To make things worse, many think they know what disabled people need…without consulting with us!
I live in a Central Coast village. Footpaths here are a luxury. Residents usually walk on the roads, as having a sand base, the grass verges are a minefield. I’m lucky in that we have several new paths, though to use them when walking into the village adds several minutes to the journey. I also have to cross 3 busy roads. There is a pedestrian refuge on one, and a crossing on another, but the busiest middle one has no safe crossing. You not only need to watch traffic from four directions, but you have to step onto the road to see around parked vehicles. I’ve had several close calls crossing this road, and I dread crossing it!
In consultation with my local member…also disabled and in a wheelchair…we have put in a submission to council to have some sort of crossing put in there, not just for disabled people, but also to guard the safety of school kids, and the elderly using that path. Considering council is supposedly disabled-aware,they are certainly procrastinating. Safety aware indeed! Not!
Likewise the car park and entry access area of our local RSL were badly edge marked, and with a dangerous ramp to the clubs entry area. In bright sunlight, you could not see the pale yellow fluro markings at all! Coming out of the club into sunlight, I could not see the access ramp at all, and relied on friends or kindly members to get me safely to the ramp. Submissions from me and several other vision impaired people saw the whole car park remarked, and the club entryway reconfigured.
It is very empowering when you are listened to, and suggestions are acted on.,
I used to be frightened to speak up about these things, but if nothing is said, nothing changes. As disabled people, we have a right to be able to move safely around our local areas. Whether able-bodied or disabled, if you know of dangers in your local area, be an advocate and speak up. Small changes can save a life.
It’s rigged, you know! The whole system is designed to drive us Tribal Elders to the brink of insanity! And it’s working! Mention a government service to me, and I start whimpering…tears are close to flowing…followed by a string of expletives. To say I have developed a phobia about government services is an understatement. I would rather have my nails pulled out…less pain would be involved!
It’s not as if this is a recent frustration…it’s been planned by the government to work us over through the decades, knowing that the whimpering messes we become by out three score and ten years will have us like putty in their hands, ready to give in to whatever delusion they have created for us. Who remembers the old Centrelink of the 80s and 90s, tied into the CES (Commonwealth Employment Service – before they decided it was better to have private enterprise ripping them off and doing nothing) with their job boards! Every week (or fortnight…I can’t remember) we had to trot into a Centrelink office to hand in our forms to say we’d been searching for work. Of course, we had lied on them, and crossed our fingers that they wouldn’t choose our form to check up on. The thing I was thankful for was that I had a mate who worked in our local office. Yes, he did oil the wheels.
When I finally had to leave the workforce in 1993, ACON had an advocate …Fred Oberg…who did all the dirty work for us, both getting onto the disability pension, and applying for the housing subsidy for those of us in private rental. All the same, we still had to have occasional interactions with both those departments, and for some unknown reason it was inevitable that SOMETHING wouldn’t have been done by the book, and your single visit turned into three, with you trailing sheafs of paperwork that must have kept somebody in the job. Then there was the Dental Hospital…when they finally realised we were all losing our teeth thanks to candida. The receptionists have to be the crankiest people I have ever encountered! Once you got in…no easy feat…they yanked all your teeth out. Then they made you dentures. My first set…I’d love to know what photo they used …had teeth so big I looked like Bugs Bunny. I thanked them profusely…and used a BGF subsidy to get a set from a private dental clinic.
But I’ve survived AIDS…and thought naïvely that my battles were over! Then I encountered the new, cleverly disguised, Housing. Having tried ringing Centrelink, Housing, and My Aged Care,to be told “Your call is important to us. Your place in line is…257…please don’t hang up. We are experiencing a higher than usual number of calls…a consultant will be with you shortly Here is some music while you wait”, I decided to apply online. Wrong choice! Not only is it extremely time-consuming, and frustrating including time outs…it enjoys…I’m pretty sure of that terminology…taking you in circles. You’ve gone to the trouble to have a medical assessment form filled out by your GP. You upload all the documentation they request. You submit it! Within minutes, you get an email saying they need more documents for, say, your medical evidence. You think…I’ve already submitted this…so you resubmit the documents you have already submitted. Then another email saying they require more documents that you have submitted . I got so frustrated by this stage that I contacted the then Housing Officer at PL, and begged for help before I had a total meltdown. They got me through the process.
Now…My Aged Care! The web site finally tipped me over the edge. There are page after page of information…each page with a dozen links…you click on a link and instead of just being given the information you need you get…another dozen links…which leads to…yet another dozen links. The lists of providers for those lucky enough to get the highly prized client number, is staggering, and you are left on your own to sort the good from the bad, knowing that…at the end of the day…they are all really after the government subsidy cash. How much subsidy you get depends on which of four categories you end up in when assessed. It seems that no single provider will deliver all the services you need, so you could end up having two or three providers to have all your requirements covered. I just went through and picked four who didn’t appear to be attached to a religious body. When my sanity finally returns, I’ll check them out more thoroughly.
It’s time the government learnt that at seventy…I’m old!…I’m cranky!…I’m impatient!…and I just want information in a form I can digest easily…and don’t keep me waiting on phones!
How often have you asked yourself “what the hell am I doing with my life?”. How often have you sat at work and wondered,”’why am I doing this?”. I’ve found that as I get older, it’s a question that rears its ugly head more often. You ponder the missed opportunities, the wasted time in jobs you hated; you envy those who are happily going about their chosen careers, fulfilling ambitions, doing what they enjoy.
I sometimes feel I’ve lived a life of quiet desperation. Most of my work life has been for nothing. I’ve nearly always been unhappy in my job choices…despite being very good at it…and developed the I’m-just-doing-it-for-the-pay-packet mentality. Sure, my latter years have been a lot more fulfilling, but the operative word is ‘latter’.
I wasn’t offered a lot of opportunities to select a fulfilling career. I left school at 15, in 1969, with the School Certificate under my belt and no idea what I wanted to do. According to my father and his family, I needed to get myself a “career”. By ‘career’, they meant becoming a plumber, electrician, carpenter or any of the associated trades. Considering the current sexy status attributed to tradies, I’m wondering if it may not have been a bad choice. I loved working with food and even when I was at school used to create my own recipes. However, it was the wrong time to be a foodie. My father suggested becoming a hospital cook (and tried to get me into that area), but the prospect of being stuck in a hospital kitchen for years was daunting. Let’s face it, hospitals are not prestige culinary establishments, especially in the ’70s. I begged out of it, though despite the severe lack of a restaurant culture at that time, the TAFE course may have been of benefit – at least I would have got a grounding in the basics. I had an uncle who was a pastry cook and he helped get me work experience at a bakery (Isoms) in Campsie. Now, if I hadn’t been 16 years old, if I hadn’t had to get up at five every morning and if I hadn’t had washing up and measuring ingredients as the full account of my day, maybe I would have stuck with it. Four months and I was out.
I spent the next 12 months (A) as a presser at a dry cleaning outlet and (B) doing repetitive work at a battery factory, where at the age of 16 I was getting adult wages due to the high turnover of workers, and the mind-numbing repetitiveness of the work. Not very inspiring and certainly not life choices. While in the dry cleaning job, I saw an ad in the window of a menswear store for a junior shop assistant in a high end menswear store . I got the job and…
…pretty well set my career path for the next 28 years. A quick timeline from there would read clothing, records, religious and church paraphernalia, monastery, back to religious paraphernalia, bar useful, sex shop, liquor, community work, cash office manager, data entry/doctor surgery receptionist, office work (at ASHM – the Australian Society for HIV Medicine). At least a variety. Could I really say I loved any of this? Well, it was a job.
The option of continuing education, through TAFE or university, was never presented to me early in my life. Doing anything creative was frowned upon and indeed one would have had one’s ‘inclinations’ (read sexuality) put in jeopardy by even suggesting that you might want to write, be a window dresser, hairdresser, clothes designer, interior decorator, artist or anything else creative. I was told in no uncertain terms that this was unacceptable.
This isn’t to say I didn’t do a few things that fulfilled my creative streak. I did some window dressing as part of general retail; I did quite a bit of writing, though none of it published at that time; I did some costume-making (as well as making my own drag outfits); some catering from home for a delicatessen; made my own jams and preserves (winning quite a few prizes in the process); and I was a DJ in two Darlinghurst gay pubs and bars for five years – the only job I’ve ever truly loved. Who knows, I could still become the oldest Trance DJ in Australia given the opportunity.
What other options would I have chosen for my life? In retrospect, I would love to have been an investigative journalist, in print or television. I enjoy research, and love history, and personally think I would have made a decent career out of it. I love gardening and would have made a successful landscaper or horticulturist. I love athletics and was a good high jumper, relay and short distance runner in my day. With the right encouragement before I started smoking, I would have loved that; or working on the stage; or a singing career (again we come back to smoking!) I have an intense interest in history, both local and global, which could have led in many directions. All these not to be.
What do I do now? I write! I love writing. It’s the flow of ideas; having that fledgling phrase circling in your head that just has to be put somewhere; the one word that can become an article; anger that can be released; opinions that can be controversial; comments that create debate; taking the collective consciousness of many and making it your own; pent-up frustrations released; intelligent argument put forward; comedy to induce a smile; information to be exchanged. Writing is wonderful.
Why suddenly 15 years ago did I head in this direction? And more importantly, where can it lead at this late stage? Well, HIV brought about this huge shift in my life.
As part of my self-organised repatriation after getting out of Prince Henry Hospital and surviving AIDS, I decided to take on some volunteer work to get out of the house and away from Days of Our Lives and the panic attacks I’d started having as a result of my swift and unexpected return to life. A life of clinics, counsellors and support groups was great for filling in time, but I also needed to do something that wasn’t medical. I’d started to see one of Sydney’s more eccentric doctors at that stage and felt a need to write about my experiences with her. This opened the floodgates, which haven’t closed since. I started writing about my experiences with HIV, the processes I was going through, the strategies I was using to cope, the sheer bloodiness of being HIV+ and having had AIDS, the questioning one went through and the realisation that one had to get on with it.
I think therefore I write.
I have always, even as a young kid, loved books. My compositions at school were always a bit over-the-top, much to the amusement of my teachers, and my parents were always being told I had a very fertile mind. Shame they never took this seriously.
On leaving St Gregory’s in 1969, Brother Geoffrey, who taught English, took me aside and told me I should take up a career in writing. Stupid me just let that comment drop.
In the 1980s I was a member of Acceptance Melbourne l and had quite an intense affair with the editor of their newsletter, and contributed regularly to it. I was a prolific letter writer. I edited the newsletter for the Dolphin Motor Club and was responsible for them starting a media sub-committee. I did several courses through community colleges on fiction and life writing and had two poems published overseas.
In 2001 I was accepted into the Humanities Faculty at UTS to do a degree in writing. But the first year of an undergrad degree is full of everything except writing. UTS uses authors to run tutorials, which might sound great in theory, but is just a means for them to push their own writing agendas and methodologies. As a mature-aged student, I clashed! I also didn’t feel comfortable with the often snobbish, elitist attitudes to reading and writing. The tutorial class was horrified that my favourite authors are Stephen King, Dean Koontz, Dan Brown, Michael Crichton, and Edward Rutherfurd. Well…fuck them!
By the second year, and finding yet another author being given their own tutorial, I looked to changing the degree to a Masters. At least by doing this I was just writing. The writing courses did give me the opportunity to publicly write about my drag persona Cleo and in a short story course to talk about my murdered brother, which had never been discussed with anyone. This making public some previously private parts of my life (other than HIV) was very liberating. I had at this stage done enough subjects to get my Graduate Certificate in Writing, so I took that and fled.
My university experience is not something I wish to repeat. The one thing I did learn is that it is extremely difficult to make a living out of writing in Australia. In the meantime I continued writing for Talkabout and the more I wrote, the more I wanted to write. I began to realise that all these articles had become a timeline of my journey with HIV, from the days of illness to the healing process to the return-to-work issues, from treatment issues to regaining my health, redirecting myself and finally my movement away from a life centred around HIV, and a spiritual reawakening through Buddhism. In a way, writing freed me. I took advantage of the beginnings of the Internet to do HIV site reviews and eventually my cooking column. Before leaving Talkabout after 15 years of writing articles and columns, I did a series of articles on Getting On With It, about reshaping life, ageing, and how to cope with its inherent problems.
I would love to widen the scope of my writing. For many years people have been telling me to write about my family and upbringing which was a complex, sometimes sad, sometimes happy experience. Perhaps a bit late in my life – or not – I’m thinking of getting into freelance journalism. Everything HIV that has happened to me over the last 30 years has led to this. It has presented me with new opportunities and opened doors that had previously been closed to me. I am contemplating a course for 2024 – not a cheap thing to do, so I have to consider carefully. In the meantime I will continue to write. Am I self-opinionated? I hope so. Am I controversial? I hope so. Can I see both sides of an argument? I hope so! But most importantly, do I love writing? You bet!
The long-term survival journey is one where it is easy to get lost along the way. Low motivation, low self esteem, social isolation, lethargy, and a victim mentality can lead to feelings of worthlessness, seeing no value in your own existence, and survivor guilt…all my friends have died so why am I still here! It can be overwhelming.
We have already spent 30+ years of our lives popping life saving pills, thousands of pills…and still with no end in sight. Pretty well every organ in our bodies has been subjected to incredible stress. Our minds have been tested beyond belief. We have been so low that we thought there was no coming back. Lipodystrophy and lipoatrophy have ravaged and aged us early, made us unrecognisable, made us feel ashamed of our own bodies, reticent to strip in front of strangers, in front of even lovers. We have lived without immune systems, a state of inherent danger, not knowing what was going to attack you next, a world where even a cold or the flu could be deadly. We have been eroded by strange diseases, live right now with their devastating consequences. And now we live in a world where younger generations don’t understand us, don’t understand why we carry rage, why we roll our eyes at recent seroconversions, who carry on as though death was lurking around the corner. We have met death, witnessed its cruelty. You have nothing to fear!
Yet…we are here! Present! Sentient! We carry a world of knowledge that no one seems to want to know about.
So what do we do, wandering in this alien landscape? Do we bend, fold and cower…or do we BLOOM! This world is trying to put us down, humble us when we have already been humbled. But there is one thing this world doesn’t know…we are, and always have been, fighters. We make a fist and punch the shit out of it! Then we stand back and roar at it “You are not going to win!”. Our world is not what it was! Having already been deconstructed, the only choice left is…reconstruction. So we stop! Re-evaluate! Pry around our fragile edges, gouge out the positives! Rip our lives to pieces, then sew it back together again into a fabric of renewal. We re-educate, for our past is not our present! We reconnect, seek out those from our past who valued us for who we are…and take steps to make new acquaintances, find those who bring joy, laughter and value into our lives. We feed our bodies, this indestructible machine, with goodness, purity, health. We strip ourselves naked, stand proudly in the light, and rebuild our broken frames. We glare at those who put us down, and yell “FUCK YOU…if you want to learn, come to me…otherwise, bring others down with your ignorance!”. We reconnect with life! Everything is right there in front of us…you just need the hunger to grab it by the balls, and say “make me whole again!”. Don’t give it choices! Never accept no as the answer! Take it…mould it…your new, renewed life waits! Don’t waste the opportunity! Long term survivor is not three dirty words! It is empowerment! Having survived, you rise up…proud…arrogant…and step confidently into the new.
Two nuns of a Tibetan Buddhist order, photographed in Dharamsala, India. Matthew Wakem / Getty Images
Here’s a question that comes up from time to time — why do Buddhist nuns and monks shave their heads? We can speculate that perhaps shaving the head reduces vanity and is a test of a monastic’s commitment. It’s also practical, especially in hot weather.
Historical Background: Hair and the Spiritual Quest
Historians tell us that wandering mendicants seeking enlightenment were a common sight in first millennium BCE India. The historical record also tells us that these mendicants had issues with hair.
For example, some of these spiritual seekers deliberately left their hair and beards unkempt and unwashed, having taken vows to avoid proper grooming until they had realized enlightenment. There also are accounts of mendicants pulling out their hair by the roots.
The rules made by the Buddha for his ordained followers are recorded in a text called the Vinaya-pitaka. In the Pali Vinaya-pitaka, in a section called the Khandhaka, the rules say that hair should be shaved at least every two months, or when the hair has grown to the length of two finger-widths. It may be that the Buddha just wanted to discourage the weird hair practices of the time.
The Khandhaka also provided that monastics must use a razor to remove hair and not cut hair with scissors unless he or she has a sore on her head. A monastic may not pluck out or dye gray hair. Hair may not be brushed or combed — a good reason to keep it short — or managed with any kind of oil. If somehow some hair is sticking out oddly, it is all right to smooth it with one’s hand, however. These rules mostly seem to discourage vanity.
Head Shaving Today
Most Buddhist nuns and monks today follow the Vinaya rules about hair.
Practices do vary somewhat from one school to another, but the monastic ordination ceremonies of all schools of Buddhism include head shaving. It’s common for the head to be mostly shaved prior to the ceremony, leaving just a little on top for the ceremony officiant to remove.
The preferred form of shaving is still a razor. Some orders have decided that electric razors are more like scissors than a razor and therefore are forbidden by the Vinaya.
The Buddha’s Hair
The early scriptures tell us that the Buddha lived in the same way as his disciples. He wore the same robes and begged for food like everyone else. So why isn’t the historical Buddha depicted bald, as a monk? (The fat, bald, happy Buddha is a different Buddha.)
The earliest scriptures don’t tell us specifically how the Buddha wore his hair, although stories of the Buddha’s renunciation tell us he cut his long hair short when he began his quest for enlightenment.
There is, however, one clue that the Buddha didn’t shave his head after his enlightenment. The disciple Upali originally was working as a barber when the Buddha came to him for a haircut.
The first depictions of the Buddha in human form were made by the artists of Gandhara, a Buddhist kingdom that was located in what is now Pakistan and Afghanistan, 2000 years or so ago. The artists of Gandhara were influenced by Greek and Roman art as well as Persian and Indian art, and many of the earliest Buddhas, sculpted in the early first millennium CE, was sculpted in an unmistakably Greek/Roman style.
Over the centuries the curly hair became a stylized pattern that sometimes looks more like a helmet than hair, and the topknot became a bump. But depicting the historical Buddha with a shaved head remains rare.
Reference
O’Brien, Barbara. “Buddhist Monks and Shaved Heads.” Learn Religions, Aug. 25, 2020, learnreligions.com/why-buddhist-monks-and-nuns-shave-their-heads-449598.
Samskara (Sanskrit; the Pali is sankhara) is a useful word to explore if you are struggling to make sense of Buddhist doctrines. This word is defined by Buddhists in many ways—volitional formations; mental impressions; conditioned phenomena; dispositions; forces that condition psychic activity; forces that shape moral and spiritual development.
According to Theravada Buddhist monk and scholar Bhikkhu Bodhi, the word samskara or sankhara has no exact parallel in English. “The word sankhara is derived from the prefix sam, meaning ‘together,’ joined to the noun kara, ‘doing, making.’ Sankharas are thus ‘co-doings,’ things that act in concert with other things, or things that are made by a combination of other things.”
In his book What the Buddha Taught (Grove Press, 1959), Walpola Rahula explained that samskara can refer to “all conditioned, interdependent, relative things and states, both physical and mental.”
Let’s look at specific examples.
Skandhas Are Components That Make an Individual
Very roughly, the skandhas are components that come together to make an individual—physical form, senses, conceptions, mental formations, awareness. The skandhas are also referred to as the Aggregates or the Five Heaps.
In this system, what we might think of as “mental functions” are sorted into three types. The third skandha, samjna, includes what we think of as intellect. Knowledge is a function of samjna.
The sixth, vijnana, is pure awareness or consciousness.
Samskara, the fourth, is more about our predilections, biases, likes and dislikes, and other attributes that make up our psychological profiles.
The skandhas work together to create our experiences. For example, Let’s say you walk into a room and see an object. Sight is a function of sedana, the second skandha. The object is recognized as an apple — that’s samjna. An opinion arises about the apple—you like apples, or maybe you don’t like apples. That reaction or mental formation is samskara. All of these functions are connected by vijnana, awareness.
Our psychological conditionings, conscious and subconscious, are functions of samskara. If we are afraid of water, or quickly become impatient, or are shy with strangers or love to dance, this is samskara.
No matter how rational we think we are, most of our willful actions are driven by samskara. And willful actions create karma. The fourth skandha, then, is linked to karma.
In the Mahayana Buddhist philosophy of yogacara, samskaras are impressions that collect in the storehouse consciousness or alaya-vijnana. The seeds (bijas) of karma arise from this.
Dependent Origination is the teaching that all beings and phenomena inter-exist. Put another way, nothing exists completely independently from everything else. The existence of any phenomenon depends on conditions created by other phenomena.
Now, what are the Twelve Links? There are at least a couple of ways to understand them. Most commonly, the Twelve Links are the factors that cause beings to become, live, suffer, die, and become again. The Twelve Links also are sometimes described as the chain of mental activities that lead to suffering.
The first link is avidya or ignorance. This is ignorance of the true nature of reality. Avidya leads to samskara—mental formations— in the form of ideas about reality. We become attached to our ideas and unable to see them as illusions. Again, this is closely linked to karma. The force of mental formations leads to vijnana, awareness. And that takes us to nama-rupa, name, and form, which is the beginning of our self-identity—I am. And on to the other eight links.
Samskara as Conditioned Things
The word samskara is used in one other context in Buddhism, which is to designate anything that is conditioned or compounded. This means everything that is compounded by other things or affected by other things.
The Buddha’s last words as recorded in the Maha-parinibbana Sutta of the Pali Sutta-pitaka (Digha Nikaya 16) were, “Handa dani bhikkhave amantayami vo: Vayadhamma sankhara appamadena sampadetha.” A translation: “Monks, this is my last advice to you. All conditioned things in the world will decay. Work hard to gain your own salvation.”
Bhikkhu Bodhi said of samskara, “The word stands squarely at the heart of the Dhamma, and to trace its various strands of meaning is to get a glimpse into the Buddha’s own vision of reality.” Reflecting on this word may help you understand some difficult Buddhist teachings.
Reference
O’Brien, Barbara. “Samskara or Sankhara.” Learn Religions, Aug. 27, 2020, learnreligions.com/samskara-or-sankhara-450194.
Kopan Monastery, Tushita Meditation Centre and Bodhgaya
A compilation of teachings given by Kyabje Lama Zopa Rinpoche at Kopan Monastery, Tushita Meditation Centre and Bodhgaya in the 1970s and ’80s. With additional material from Kirti Tsenshab Rinpoche, Gen Jampa Wangdu and the Sharpa Choje, Khensur Losang Nyima. Edited by Ven. Thubten Wongmo and Ven. Sangye Khadro.
The mandala offering is an extremely powerful method for accumulating extensive merit and receiving realizations such as bodhicitta and emptiness quickly. Just as great strength is needed to carry a heavy load, a great amount of merit is needed to lead all sentient beings to enlightenment. There’s nothing that can be offered with your hands that is more meritorious than offering mandalas.
The Tibetan term for mandala is khyil-khor, which means “taking the essence.” The essence you take is the whole path from guru devotion to enlightenment. That’s what you get from doing this practice, plus the result: the unification of dharmakaya and rupakaya. Therefore by doing this practice you receive inconceivable temporal and ultimate happiness.
Mandala Offerings and the Six Perfections
Offering the mandala contains the practice of all six perfections. By cleaning and blessing the mandala base with liquid mixed with a bajung pill you practice the perfection of giving (water symbolizes prosperity). Checking the grain1 for insects and looking after the base, keeping it clean, leads to the perfection of moral conduct. Removing insects from the grain without harming them leads to the perfection of patience. Thinking of how fortunate you are to be able to practice Dharma and making the offering with joy, you cultivate joyous effort. By not forgetting the visualization, you attain concentration. By clearly visualizing the colors and objects in the mandala, and by meditating on its emptiness, wisdom is attained. Therefore offering mandalas helps you to quickly complete the two accumulations of the merits of method and wisdom2 as it contains all six perfections.
This practice pacifies all hindrances to your temporal and ultimate happiness. These depend on merit and merit depends on offerings. The most meritorious object to offer is the mandala. Therefore if you wish to achieve temporal and ultimate happiness, the best thing you can do is to offer many mandalas.
Lama Tsongkhapa offered a million eight hundred thousand mandalas and achieved all the realizations of the stages and paths. If you wish to gain realizations you should offer mandalas to your guru every day as his jewel-like body can bestow the sphere of great bliss in an instant. All realizations depend on your guru. Offering mandalas to him/her is like offering gifts to a king before requesting a favor of him. Achieving enlightenment in one lifetime depends on your relationship with your guru.
Lama Tsongkhapa was instructed by Manjushri to leave the monastery and go to a hermitage where he was to concentrate on bodhicitta, seeing his guru as Buddha, meditate on the path, purify and accumulate merit. Without working on all of these, even if you practice for a hundred years you won’t gain realizations. However, if you do, you will receive realizations within three years or even in a few months. The mere wish to make progress doesn’t make it happen. It’s necessary to create the causes, one of which is accumulating merit.
How to Get the Most Out of Your Practice
Basically, offering the mandala involves mentally offering the entire universe: all the planets and worlds, all sense objects, and especially the objects to which there is much clinging, such as your body, possessions and friends. All these are offered to the merit field. The essential technique of offering is to offer the best quality materials, in the greatest quantity and to have as clear a visualization as possible. In this way you can create extensive merit in just a short time.
Even if you’re a beggar, by making mandala offerings you will receive all the necessities for your practice in this and future lives. By visualizing and then offering whatever you need in the space above the mandala, you create the cause to receive it. Visualizing anything golden and offering it to the buddhas frees you from disease, and offering the moon creates the cause for you to be reborn as a god or a holy being. Offering jewels, gold and enjoyments creates the cause to be reborn in the caste of kings.
If you don’t have good materials you can even use a stone for the mandala base (but first you should ask permission of the spirit landlord, otherwise it’s like stealing). Lama Tsongkhapa’s forearm was blue and bloody with scabs and calluses from making mandala offerings on a stone during his eight-year retreat. This doesn’t mean that lamas don’t have money to buy gold and silver bases. Lama Tsongkhapa did this to emphasize the importance of pure morality. If you are abiding in pure moral conduct you aren’t allowed to touch precious metals with attachment. However, the more valuable the material you offer, the more merit you receive. The best is a gold or silver base, then copper or brass. The finest things to offer are piles of gold, silver, or jewels; next best are sea shells; rice or other grains are acceptable. As mandala offerings are of great consequence, you should offer the finest materials you can afford. If you have enough money to provide yourself with the comforts of life but you use inferior materials for offering, the only result of your offering will be a decrease of merit.
By visualizing the offerings as more precious and extensive, you create vast merits. For example, imagining that you’re offering a Mt. Meru of silver, lapis lazuli, ruby and gold, even if there are no such materials on your base, you receive the merit of actually offering them. So in just a few seconds it’s possible to create the merit of having offered the entire universe. When you offer water bowls it’s good to visualize the water as nectar. The water appears as nectar to the devas, so of course it appears as nectar to the buddhas—this is explained in Maha-anuttara Yoga Tantra. It generates infinite bliss in the holy mind. So if you offer only water, you get the merit of offering water, but if it’s offered as nectar you gain much more merit because of the superior quality of that offering.
The Story of King Ashoka’s Previous Life
Similarly, when making an offering of ten cents to the Buddha, if you clearly visualize the sky filled with dollars, you receive that much merit even if you don’t have a single dollar. What’s the reference that shows that by visualizing nectar or gold you receive the merit of actually offering these? Who had that experience? This was explained by Pabongka Rinpoche in his teaching called Giving Liberation In Your Hand, where he tells the story of King Ashoka’s previous life:
Once when Guru Shakyamuni Buddha was going out for alms he passed three boys playing in the sand. One boy wanted to offer a handful of sand to the Buddha, but was not able to reach the Buddha’s alms bowl, so he stood on the shoulders of the other two boys. He visualized that he was offering gold to the Buddha, and so he created the merit of having actually offered gold. By that karma, the boy was born as King Ashoka in a later life and was able to build ten million stupas in one day. He was able to offer lots of service to the Sangha because he had such great wealth and power.
Through this story you can see how karma is expandable and how to practice Dharma. Even if you’re penniless you can create extensive merit. Being born as King Ashoka, experiencing good results in that life and in future lives, all came from visualizing sand as gold. So even by doing small actions, creating small virtues, things that are easy to do, it’s possible to create unbelievable results of happiness and perfections. So all the time you should practice creating even small merits or good karma. If you’re skillful like the boy in the story, so much merit can be accomplished. But it’s difficult if your practice is unskillful.
The karma stories in the lam-rim are quite unbelievable, like people having strange bodies with horns or tails, or the arhat Tse-yi who had gold pouring unceasingly from his hand. This was the result of his having put a piece of gold in the vase of Buddha Kashyapa in his past life. Shakyamuni Buddha could explain the precise cause of each occurrence. For example, he could tell the causes of new diseases that appear in the world.
The lam-rim teachings on karma show us that we shouldn’t ignore even small karmas, because such incredible results can come, things we can’t even imagine. This is the experience of people in the past. We’re not able to remember our experiences through our own mental power, but if there is happiness, it came from virtue. If a person continually makes offerings of water bowls and mandalas, after a few years that person will have better materials to offer. The result is experienced in this life because any merit accumulated with the guru-buddha is very powerful. The same is true for good karma created with a bodhisattva or parents: the result will be experienced in this life.
So if you remember this story you’ll have faith. Even by offering one tiny grain to the Buddha creates so much merit, because karma is expandable. But if we don’t visualize as explained in the prayer, then it’s just offering grain, or maybe offering nothing! You’d just be playing with grains!
The sutras and tantras can be related to for reference. Accumulating merit by offering the mandala and other offerings to the Buddha is the completely reliable method to create causes of happiness, perfections and wealth. Sometimes when money is invested with the expectation of making millions of dollars profit, lots of money may be lost instead. Material values are always going up and down in the world, so you can’t always be sure of making a profit. But the results of creating merit with the Buddha don’t fluctuate. The results will always be sure, provided the merit is dedicated and isn’t destroyed by anger.
For example, there are eight benefits of folding your hands to the Buddha, even if it is not done with a virtuous motive or even if it’s done with anger. The eight benefits are:
1. Having a healthy, attractive body 2. Having pleasant surroundings, servants, etc 3. Being able to keep pure moral conduct 4. Having devotion 5. Having courage to fight delusions and work for others 6. Rebirth as a human or a god 7. Attaining the arya paths 8. Attaining enlightenment
There are also specific benefits of making prostrations. For example, for each atom of ground covered by the body during prostrations we create the merit to be born a chakravartin king a thousand times. These kings are usually bodhisattvas. His Holiness the Dalai Lama is the copper chakravartin king. They have great power to guide sentient beings (one needs power and wealth to be able to guide beings).
So the result of Dharma practice is always there, if it has been dedicated. It’s just a matter of time when the result will be experienced. If there are no interferences, it will be experienced soon. It’s completely reliable; there’s no betrayal regarding the result.
The Importance Of Clear Visualization
Generating lam-rim realizations in the mind quickly depends on creating extensive merit. However much merit can be created in one day, in one hour makes it that much quicker to attain realizations of the lam-rim. Creating merit depends on how clearly and extensively you can visualize. That is the key; that is the essential thing about mandala offerings. In the Lam-rim Chen-mo, Lama Tsongkhapa did not explain mandalas in detail, but he explained the importance of offering the mandala with a clear visualization. This is incredibly important advice. If the visualization is not clear, less merit is created. That’s the secret of mandalas; the amount of merit created depends on clearly visualizing the worlds, etc., as explained in the prayer.
The number of mandalas that are done isn’t so important. The goal is lam-rim realizations, and quick realization depends on clear visualization. You would create more merit by doing ten mandalas with clear visualization than a hundred vaguely visualized. The prayer can be said quickly, but it wouldn’t have so much meaning if done in that way.
It’s not enough to have mere intellectual knowledge of the path—that doesn’t change the mind. If there are seeds, but no soil, water, fertilizer and warmth they won’t grow. Similarly, in order for realizations to grow, for the mind to be transformed by the teachings, you need to purify obstacles and accumulate merit. Offering the mandala is one of the most important methods to accumulate this much-needed merit.
Multiplying the Offering
You can also increase the merit of the offering by imagining that you’re offering many universes, as many as you can imagine. After constructing the mandala, imagine beams of light going out in all directions from the mandala. On the end of each beam is another mandala. Then from each of these mandalas emanate beams of light with a mandala on the end of each, and so on. Another way of multiplying the mandala is to imagine another whole universe on each atom of the first mandala, and then another universe on each of those universes’ atoms, etc. You can also imagine a duplicate image of yourself making a mandala offering in each atom of space. The entire space becomes filled with mandalas.
Although the mandala base is small, you must imagine everything in the universe on it. It’s like seeing many objects reflected in a tiny water bubble, or looking at a mountain through the eye of a needle, or looking at a city from an airplane. It’s very important to think that all these objects actually exist. The imagined symbol of the universe does exist as a creation of the mind.
Between Sessions
Whenever your mind feels solid and unmoving and everything seems to be at a standstill, you should make mandala offerings and strong requests to the guru and the merit field. When you feel like this, heresy towards the teachings can arise and instead of gaining energy to practice and increase your wisdom, you create nothing but downfalls. Offering mandalas will prevent this.
Mandala Offering in Tantra
One of the commitments of Maha-anuttara Yoga Tantra is to offer mandalas six times a day to your guru. This is done during the six-session guru yoga practice. If you don’t have a plate, you can just visualize offering the mandala three times a day and three times at night. If you fail to do this, it’s one bombo (transgression of a branch tantric vow). Kyabje Pabongka Rinpoche said in the lam-rim that breaking a bodhisattva vow is a hundred thousand times heavier than breaking a root vow of a fully ordained monk, and breaking a branch tantric vow is a million times heavier than breaking a root bodhisattva vow. The karmic consequence of breaking a branch tantric vow is the same as that of killing dakinis. However, if you visualize offering the mandala as described in the six-session prayer you don’t receive this fault. It is necessary to recite the six-session prayer to be conscious of what you should practice.
Even those who have achieved the developing stage of tantra have to offer mandalas. If you don’t continuously make mandala offerings from the time you receive a tantric initiation until you achieve the completion stage, there is a great danger to your life from such things as spirits.
The more you understand karma, the more you will recognize the preciousness of this simple practice. The benefits of making one mandala offering are incredible. The disadvantages of not doing so are also very heavy. Kadampa geshes would always carry with them their mandala plates, offering bowls and yellow robes.
By offering mandalas it’s possible to have visions of deities. One fully-ordained nun saw Chenrezig after making many mandala offerings.
NOTES
1 Uncooked grains such as rice or barley can be used as the substance for the mandala offering. [Return to text]
2 In order to attain enlightenment with its two holy bodies (kayas): form body (rupakaya) and truth body (dharmakaya), it is necessary to complete the two accumulations of the merits of method and transcendental wisdom.
Mandala offering with the unique Yungdrung Bon square top. Photo credit: Unknown.
The Actual Practice
If you’re using grain such as rice, it should first be cleaned (insects and dirt removed, washed in water and dried) and made nice-smelling with perfume or scented water. The base should also be cleaned the first time with water to which saffron, scent and a bajung3 pill have been added. This is similar to sprinkling scented water on the ground before inviting a king or guru to the place.
OM VAJRA BHUMI AH HUM—the powerful golden ground. This is recited to bless the mandala. Hold a small amount of grain in each hand. Holding the mandala base with your left hand, pour some grain on the base with your right. This grain symbolizes the negativities and obscurations of yourself and all sentient beings. Tip the base away from you so that the grain spills off and rub the base three times in a clockwise direction with your right wrist.4 Here there is the “bodhicitta vein” associated with the development of clairvoyance. Think that you’re wiping away all the negativities of yourself and all beings. The first wipe eliminates those of body, the second of speech and the third of mind. Think that you’re also eliminating all undesirable places such as the hells and undesirable things such as thorns, illness, misfortunes, the two obscurations and all the impurities of yourself and others that have arisen due to clinging to external objects and the internal mind.
The mandala base becomes the golden ground, representing our buddha nature, with plains as smooth as the palm of a child’s hand. Now place more grain on the base. Tipping it towards you, rub it with your wrist three times counter-clockwise. Think that you’re receiving the qualities, blessings and attainments of the guru and the merit field; these enter your body, speech and mind. You transform into the merit field, or your yidam.
OM VAJRA REKHI AH HUM—encircled by an iron fence. Place some grain in the center of the base and then place the first ring. Never put the ring on an empty base as that would create the karma to take rebirth in a place where a buddha has not descended. After placing the first ring, pour a handful of grain around the edge of the plate, just inside of the ring, moving in a counter-clockwise direction.
Now you begin to place heaps of rice to represent the different objects. There are different ways of constructing the mandala—37 heaps, 25 heaps, 23 heaps and 7 heaps, but here it’s according to the 37-heap method. When you place the heaps, think that the grain is the object. Instead of thinking that the objects drop onto the base with the grain, visualize that they appear out of emptiness, lighting up in space like a light bulb when it’s been turned on. Clear visualization and clear recognition of each object of the mandala is extremely important if you wish to quickly complete the accumulation of merit.
Don’t rush; go slowly and spend time on the visualization to make it as clear as possible. Visualizing each object in turn, think, “I’m offering this to my guru who is the merit field.” Then even if your visualization becomes unclear or gets lost you still create merit. Try to remember the qualities and functions of each object as you name it. This is very beneficial for the mind.
After offering each object, dedicate the merit to all sentient beings.
(The large objects like Mt. Meru you can offer at the end altogether rather than each time.)
The arrangement of the objects offered depends on the purpose of making the offering. In order to request realizations, the east is placed towards you, but in order to make an offering to the merit field, east is on the opposite side, towards the merit field.5
Objects Offered in the Mandala of 37 Heaps
1.Mt. Meru: Place a heap of grain in the center of the base to represent Mt. Meru, which has four faces, each of a different precious substance:
The eastern face is made of radiant, silvery crystal.
The southern face is of bright blue lapis lazuli.
The western face is of ruby.
The northern face is of gold.
Each jeweled face of Mt. Meru radiates dazzlingly, and its reflection accounts for the color of the sea, sky and world on its respective side.
The top of Mt. Meru is flat and square, like a plateau. Here are found the four guardian kings, and the palace of the worldly gods, who have incredible enjoyments.
The shape of the mountain resembles an inverted pyramid with the apex buried beneath its lower levels. There are eight lower levels which are like eight steps all around the bottom of the mountain. Only four of these are above the ocean, visible to the eye, while the other four are beneath the ocean. The asura realm is located where the water meets Mt. Meru. The sura realms are located on the upper four levels or steps. Here they have enjoyments a hundred times greater than those found in America! Above the fourth level is the god realm, Tushita.
2.The Eastern World: It is white and semi-circular like a half-moon. The people who live there are tall and very beautiful with half-moon-shaped faces. They have subdued minds and limitless possessions. They always enjoy a high status and live for three hundred years. They eat rice and vegetables. They are a quiet, peaceful people who never fight, but they have no religion.
3.The Southern World (this is our world): It is blue and trapezoidal (similar to the canopy of an Indian rickshaw). The inhabitants’ faces are the same shape as their world, as is true of all the worlds. Here, many people have high realizations.
4. The Western World: It is red and circular. The people here have round faces, live for five hundred years and have infinite enjoyments.
5. The Northern World: It is yellow and square. The people here have square faces and beautiful bodies made of light. They live for a thousand years. The standard of life is god-like: there is no fighting, food grows in abundance; the moment one is born one receives everything one needs. Because there is very little suffering there is no desire for religion and the people are unaware of death. But seven days before they die, they hear a voice whispering, telling them where they will be reborn and what sufferings they will experience.
There are not many examples of suffering in the western, northern and eastern worlds, so it is very difficult for those people to practice Dharma.
6-13. Each world has two smaller, similarly-shaped and colored worlds on either side of it. These are the next eight heaps of grain on the base. First put a heap to the left of the main world, then one to the right (i.e. for the eastern world, put the first heap in the south-east and the second in the north-east, then move on to the southern world.)
The next four objects are called the four “precious things.” They are the particular enjoyments of each of the four worlds; things that the inhabitants of each world enjoy the most. We should visualize them in the aspect of offerings, but think that in essence they are realizations of the Dharma. They are to be visualized floating in the sky above their respective world.
14. The Precious Mountain (east): This is a huge mountain made of the seven precious gems: gold, silver, lapis, coral, diamonds, pearls and emeralds.
15. The Wish-Granting Tree (south): It is huge and made of the seven precious gems: its roots are gold, trunk is silver, branches are lapis lazuli, leaves are emeralds, with sapphire buds, pearl flowers and diamond fruit. Thinking of whatever you wish for and praying to the tree, your needs pour down from it like rain. This is by the power of the object. When its leaves rustle, they make the sound of Dharma. The people of the southern world like fruit, so this tree is their particular enjoyment.
16. The Wish-Fulfilling Cow(west): This cow is also made of jewels: with diamond horns, sapphire hooves and a tail like the wish-granting tree. Its body is golden-orangish colored, healthy and very beautiful. Its excrement is gold. Whatever one desires springs forth from its pores. It also gives unceasing milk.
17. The Uncultivated Harvest (north): These are crops that grow unceasingly, without needing to be cultivated. Its fruit is perfect: skinless and clean, easy to pick (just falls off in one’s hand), beautiful and delicious, satisfying all desires.
(If using four rings, place the second ring at this point. If using three rings, the second ring is placed later.)
The next seven objects are the seven possessions of a chakravartin (wheel-turning) or universal monarch; offering them creates the cause to become such a monarch. The qualities of these objects are explained in the Heruka Lama Chöpa.6
18. The Precious Wheel (east): This is a vehicle for the universal monarch, actualized by and propelled by his great stock of merit. It travels very fast—it can cover the four worlds and the god realms in a day—and can carry the monarch and his entire retinue to any part of the universe he wishes to go to.
Made of gold, with a thousand spokes, it’s very bright, like the sun. The wheel is symbolic, when offering it, dedicate: “By offering this precious wheel, may I and all sentient beings achieve complete control over Dharma activities (like Guru Shakyamuni Buddha and His Holiness the Dalai Lama). By understanding the different levels and so on of sentient beings and teaching them accordingly, may I lead all of them to enlightenment.”
Guru Shakyamuni Buddha, by understanding different beings’ capabilities, intelligence, merit, etc., can show various methods without error, and not only through his speech but also in various manifestations. He possesses all realizations of the words and their meanings. So by offering the precious wheel we pray to be able to do the same. This is the benefit of offering this wheel.
19. The Precious Jewel (south): This is an eight-sided wish-fulfilling jewel made of lapis lazuli. It is as bright as the sun, can make night like day-time, and emits light rays of five colors that can be seen for thousands of miles. These rays bring all success and whatever is needed by sentient beings. When we’re tormented by heat they make us feel cool; when it’s cold they provide warmth. They bring all happiness and prevent illness and untimely death to all those within their range. They also fulfill whatever Dharma wishes sentient beings have.
Dedicate: “By offering this precious jewel, may all sentient beings have their Dharma wishes fulfilled perfectly.”
20. The Precious Queen (west): She is extremely beautiful, charming, has a camphor-scented body and sweet-smelling upali-flowered breath. Perfectly dressed, she has a calm, subdued mind and gives good vibrations. She is free of the five faults of women: greed or miserliness with men and other objects, jealousy, anger and pride; and possesses the eight qualities of a perfect lady: harmonious mind, bearing only sons, of noble birth, of high caste, free of jealousy towards other women, does not gossip or hold wrong views, and remains unaffected by objects of the senses. She bestows bliss and freedom from hunger and thirst on any being who touches her. Her mind is endowed with love and compassion; she grants all success and guides all beings from physical and mental suffering.
Dedicate: “By offering this precious queen, may all sentient beings enjoy the non-contaminated, non-deluded great bliss of aryas.”
21. The Precious Minister (north): He has renounced all non-Dharma actions, so all his projects are Dharma-related and for the benefit of others. He is never treacherous or harmful, but always acts with love. He never gets upset about or tired of working for others. He spontaneously carries out the wishes of the universal monarch without having to be asked (he is able to read the monarch’s mind). He is extremely wise and skillful in all situations and in directing the activities of the entourage and the army.
Dedicate: “By offering this precious minister may all sentient beings fulfill exactly all the wishes of the buddhas.”
22. The Precious Elephant (south-east): He is as large and as white as a snow mountain and as strong as a thousand ordinary elephants. He is so wise, skillful and alert that he doesn’t need to be led by a rope; a fine thread is enough. He is decorated like a ceremonial elephant. He has a large penis, and his trunk, tail and testicles touch the ground. He carries the universal monarch wherever he wants to go without needing to be ordered—he can read his master’s mind. He can travel around the universe three times in a day, without shaking or disturbing the rider’s body. He is peaceful, never violent or harmful to others; perfectly obedient, incredibly wise and able to conquer all opposing forces.
Dedicate: “By offering this precious elephant may all sentient beings ride the supreme great vehicle to enlightenment.”
23. The Precious and Excellent Horse (south-west): Is white, of perfect shape, size and color, is decorated with the jeweled crown of the devas, a jeweled saddle and various jeweled ornaments. He can travel around the universe three times in one day, and never gets tired or sick. He is very wise and subdued and can be led by a thread; a bridle is not necessary. He is magnificent-looking, and protects his rider from harm.
Dedicate: “By offering this precious, excellent horse, may all sentient beings attain mundane and supra-mundane psychic powers.” (Offering the precious horse creates the cause to achieve clairvoyance.)
24. The Precious General (north-west): He never harms others as he has totally abandoned all non-Dharma actions. However he can never be defeated in battle. He intuitively knows the wishes of his ruler, and never tires in his service. He leads large armies of horses, elephants, chariots and foot soldiers. In times of struggle and hardship visualizing the precious general prevents you from being harmed by others (the would-be harmers are subdued) and protects you from poverty.
Dedicate: “By offering the precious general may all sentient beings become holders of the entire collection of teachings.”
According to Lama Tsongkhapa, the precious householder is offered at this time, instead of the precious general, who is included with the precious minister. The precious householder has many possessions and jewels: all sentient beings are pleased to see him.
25. The Great Treasure Vase (north-east): It is made of gold, and decorated with jewels. It has a flat base, large belly and long neck, like a Greek urn. The neck is decorated with cloth from the deva realms, and the vase has a beautiful tree as a stopper. The vase contains various treasures and grants all wishes.
(If using four rings, place the third one at this point. If using three rings, place the second.)
26. The Goddess Of Beauty (east): She is white, she stands in an S-shaped dancing posture with hands on her hips, holding a vajra in each hand. She exhibits her beauty through dancing and moving her body.
27. The Goddess Of Garlands (south): She is yellow-colored and very beautiful. She holds a rosary made of precious vajras with both hands at her breasts; with this she grants initiations to whomever comes before her.
28. The Goddess Of Song (west): She is pink-colored; she plays a lute and sings, offering the music to all beings.
29. The Goddess Of Dance (north): She is multi-colored: her face and feet are white, neck and breasts are pink, hands and hips are blue and her thighs are light yellow. She holds a vajra in each hand, with her right hand on her head and left hand on her left hip.
30. The Goddess Of Flowers (south-east): She is bright yellow; in her left hand she holds a vase containing a vajra and flowers. She scatters the flowers in the air with her right hand.
31. The Goddess Of Incense (south-west): She is white; in her right hand she holds an incense burner at the level of her shoulder. The incense totally satisfies whoever it’s offered to. Her left hand is in the threatening gesture at her left shoulder.
32. The Goddess Of Light (north-west): She is pink and holds a beautiful lamp on her left shoulder with her right hand held over her head. Her left hand is at her heart.
33. The Goddess Of Perfume (north-east): She is rainbow-colored. In her left hand at her heart she holds a conch shell containing a vajra and beautifully scented sandal water. With her right hand she sprinkles this perfume in all directions.
These eight goddesses, visualized in space above the first level of Mt. Meru,7 are the emanations of your own transcendental wisdom of non-dual bliss and emptiness. They should be visualized as young and very beautiful. They have slender waists, enchanting faces with fine blue eyes and red lips. Their bodies are fragrant; they have soft, smooth skin which, when touched energizes great bliss. Any sounds they make are lovely to hear. Visualizing the goddesses as exquisitely beautiful in all respects is for the purpose of transforming desire into the path. Imagine that all space is filled with these goddesses.
(If using four rings, place the fourth at this point. If using three, place the third.)
34. The Sun (south): It’s in the southern sky above the level of Mt. Meru. It’s like a gigantic magnifying glass dispelling darkness (the darkness of sentient beings’ gross and subtle delusions); like a clear lens through which hot rays are focused, and it emits brilliant rays of light. Its shape is that of a disc, with a golden fence around its edge. At its centre, stairs lead to a palace in which the children of the gods are dancing and singing.
Think about the function of the sun; for instance, how it causes crops to ripen.
The sun signifies all wisdoms, all paths: Hinayana, Mahayana and Vajrayana. It signifies the clear light, which results in the dharmakaya. The sun is absolute bodhicitta; it dispels the darkness of ignorance grasping at true existence, the root of samsara.
35. The Moon (north): The moon, in the northern sky, is the same size as the sun and is equal to the sun in brightness. Usually, the sun’s light obscures the moon but in the mandala the light of both pervade the world. The moon is also disc-shaped, with a fence around its edge and a palace at its centre where the children of the gods are singing and dancing. The moon causes samsara to cease; its two edges are the two extremes which it eliminates. The light of the moon has the power to dispel sentient beings’ gross obscurations.
The moon symbolizes method, the methods of the three vehicles; also conventional bodhicitta, whose root is compassion. Its light extinguishes the darkness of the self-cherishing attitude, so that we naturally come to cherish others. The light also prevents us from falling into the blissful state of self-liberation.
The moon and the sun are visualized together because method and wisdom, bodhicitta and emptiness, should be practiced together, simultaneously. From the tantric viewpoint the sun represents the clear light of wisdom and the moon represents the illusory body. Visualize that the light of the sun and moon dispels the darkness of the obscurations and ignorance of all sentient beings. By visualizing like this you create the cause to achieve the entire path, both the method and wisdom aspects, that result in attaining the rupakaya and dharmakaya. The sun and moon are also offerings of light.
36. The Precious Parasol (east):8 Its handle is of lapis lazuli encrusted with jewels and gold. Its thousand spokes are of gold, and it is crowned with an eight-sided sapphire. The canopy is white and has a fringe hanging all around; the ends of the fringe are richly decorated with various jewels, some of which are like magnifying glasses and emit powerful light. There are also strands of pearls hanging from the edge; from the jewels and pearls come a flow of nectar that eliminates the true sufferings and true causes of suffering of all sentient beings. There are small glass vases hanging from the fringe from which nectar pours as an offering to the buddhas. This nectar also quenches the thirst and alleviates the suffering of those beings who suffer from thirst. There are also small bells making very sweet Dharma sounds in praise of the Buddha and teaching sentient beings according to their level.
This parasol is similar to the one that the naga king, Maitri, offered to Lord Buddha. Its essence is all the qualities of the cessations, the abandonment of the two obscurations. The parasol can provide extensive protection from suffering and offering it creates the cause for oneself to become an object of refuge, able to save sentient beings from the heat of samsara.
37. The Banner Of Victory Throughout All Directions (west): It has a jeweled shaft with three pieces of cloth hanging from it. There are innumerable small bells hanging from the banner making pleasant tinkling sounds. The banner is illustrated with different symbols, such as an eight-legged lion and a special kind of fish. Its top is crowned with a half-moon and an eight-sided sapphire.
The essence of the banner is all qualities of all realizations. It symbolizes total victory; by offering it we create the cause to be victorious over the four maras. We also create the cause to be able to benefit others perfectly by leading them according to their level, and to liberate them from the fears and sufferings of samsara. It brings about the auspicious conditions for us to realize the Dharma and thus become a holder of the banner of the teachings, like Vajradhara.
In times of trouble, banners were placed on the roofs of monasteries to overcome negative forces. By putting the banner in the front of the mandala, we create the cause to have perfect listening, reflecting and meditation, and to become a holder of all Dharma teachings.
Now place three heaps in the center, symbolizing the realizations of the body, speech and mind of the merit field; by offering these we create the cause to be able to attain them. Then place the mandala top. With a small amount of grain in both hands, hold up the mandala.
“…u.su lha.dang mi…” —”at the center are all possessions precious to gods and humans…” Visualize clouds of offerings floating in space above the center of the mandala. These include: your body, wealth and all your merits of the three times as well as all the various enjoyments of gods and humans.
As you recite the prayer, mentally offer all that brings pleasure to the five senses. Imagine that you are offering everything, not leaving anything out: all the possessions of gods and humans as well as all the wonderful things that exist throughout the ten directions and are not possessed by anyone.
Visualizing the Mandala as a Pure Realm
“Sa.zhi po.kyi…” At the beginning of this part of the offering, the mandala is seen as impure, then it transforms into the pure realm of a buddha. This practice creates much merit and the karma to take rebirth in a pure realm. It also purifies wrong conceptions. Imagine the pure realm that you would like to be reborn in (according to your practice: Tushita if your practice is Ganden Lha Gyäma; Kacho Shing if you’re practicing Vajrayogini, etc.) and visualize that all sentient beings are there, receiving teachings and just about to become enlightened. It is very powerful to imagine your enemies there in the pure realm, receiving teachings. While reciting the prayer, visualize a rain of offerings showering down in that pure land.
In pure lands one isn’t born from parents but from lotus flowers. One doesn’t have physical bodies subject to sickness and old age, but bodies made of light that never experience sickness or aging. Whatever is wished for spontaneously appears. Food and drink are nectar and do not cause attachment to arise. The entire environment is beautifully decorated and filled with wish-granting trees.
There are buddhas and bodhisattvas everywhere. Depending on which pure land one is in, it’s possible to see the particular buddha of that land and receive direct teachings from his holy speech. All the sounds we hear are Dharma teachings. There are bodhisattvas in the aspect of birds flying around whose songs are teachings. The ground is made of lapis lazuli and there are lotus ponds filled with large, beautiful lotus flowers. The air is perfumed with sweet scents. Goddesses in space scatter a rain of flowers. There are also many dakas and dakinis.
It’s also extremely beneficial to multiply the offering, imagining that you are offering many universes. [As explained before: see the Introduction.]
Hold the mandala at your heart and without attachment to the offerings, offer them with devotion. At the end of the prayer imagine that the mandala dissolves into light and absorbs into the heart of the guru-deity. Think that the guru experiences incredible bliss. Then tip the mandala base to dismantle the mandala: towards you if the offering was made in order to receive realizations, and away from you if the offering was made to the merit field. As you do this, light comes from the guru and enters your body, purifying all hindrances and negative karma of body, speech and mind. Then a replica of the guru dissolves into you. Think that you have become one, completely unified, with the guru and have received all his realizations.
Short (Seven-heap) Mandalas
Start by offering one long mandala of 37 heaps, recite the four-line prayer and dismantle the mandala, then begin to construct short mandalas. Each short mandala begins in the same way as the long mandala: pouring grain on the base and wiping the base with your right wrist three times clockwise and three times counter-clockwise (or as many times as you like), to purify and receive blessings. While doing this, recite the prayer of refuge and bodhicitta (sang.gye cho.dang…) once or as many times as you like. Then pour a little grain on the base, place the first ring and pour grain around the inside of the ring, moving in a counter-clockwise direction.
While reciting the four-line prayer (sa.zhi po.kyi…) place grain for the seven heaps:
1. Mt. Meru in the center, 2-5. The four worlds in the east, south, west and north, 6. The sun in the south, 7. The moon in the north.
Holding the mandala at your heart, recite the rest of the prayer, doing the appropriate visualization. Then dismantle the mandala and visualize receiving light and blessings from the guru.
If you wish you can offer a nine-heap mandala, adding another heap in the east for the precious parasol and one in the west for the victory banner. This practice is advised sometimes as it is very auspicious to offer the victory banner.
When counting mandala offerings [as a preliminary practice], you offer only mandalas of seven or nine heaps.
Begin slowly, with twenty-five short mandalas, and build up slowly. When your physical action becomes smooth, concentrate on the visualization. It is important to open up and give everything to the guru, and to feel that you are really receiving your guru’s blessings.
You can eventually do a hundred mandalas in the morning and a hundred at night as a comfortable number, without pushing.
When offering the mandala of seven heaps, it’s best to visualize all thirty-seven features of the long mandala. But if your mind cannot cope with the elaborate visualization, at least imagine clearly and in proper order, the golden ground, iron fence, Mt. Meru, the four worlds, the sun and the moon. It’s also very beneficial to offer objects that symbolize the realizations you wish to achieve, such as a sword, bell or text, or materials you need for your practice. Visualize these in the space above the mandala. This creates the karma for you to quickly gain these realizations and materials.
NOTES
3 Khensur Losang Nyima Rinpoche explained that a bajung pill is made from cow products. There is a substance in the folds of the skin underneath the neck of the cow that has the potential to purify whatever the cow eats, thus the things produced from the cow—milk, butter, excrement, etc.—also have this potential to purify. Also, one can add a dutsi rilbu(nectar pill) to the water used to clean the base. The way to clean the base is as follows: first place your right thumb in the center of the base, dip your right finger in the mixture, then rub that finger around one half of the edge of the base, moving in a clockwise direction. Next, place your right ring finger in the center of the base, dip the thumb in the mixture, then rub the other half of the edge of the base, moving in a counterclockwise direction. [Return to text]
4 According to Khensur Losang Nyima Rinpoche, the part of the arm with which to rub the base is the thickest part of the forearm, below the elbow. [Return to text]
5 According to Khensur Losang Nyima Rinpoche, when offering the mandala when requesting your guru to live long, eg at a long-life puja, place east towards you. [Return to text]
7 According to Liberation (p.212) the eight goddesses stand on a ledge around Mt. Meru. [Return to text]
8 According to Geshe Wangchen in Awakening the Mind of Enlightenment (p.68), the parasol is normally placed towards you, and this is to overcome obstacles to your meditation practice—it symbolizes the protection of all buddhas and bodhisattvas. But in order to receive blessings, place the banner in the east.
The inner mandala is a powerful remedy to the three poisonous minds of attachment, aversion and ignorance, that cause us to discriminate other beings as friend, enemy and stranger. It involves imagining your body transforming into the mandala and then into a pure realm, as well as offering the objects of your attachment, aversion and ignorance. The prayer “dag.gi chag.dang…” is recited while visualizing this offering. This prayer is a method to counteract attachment and miserliness towards your body, possessions, merits and the environment. It loosens the grip of attachment; suddenly it makes no sense to be attached to things any more. The mind is transformed and feels very peaceful. The way to transform your body into the mandala is as follows:
Your skin becomes the surface of the golden ground; your blood becomes an ocean of nectar;
Your flesh becomes beautiful garlands of flowers floating on the ocean of nectar;
Your stomach becomes Mount Meru;
Your hands and feet become the four worlds and the upper and lower parts of your arms and legs become the eight sub-worlds; your head becomes a beautiful palace on top of Mt. Meru;
Your heart becomes a beautiful jewel adorning the top of this palace;
Your eyes become the sun and moon;
All your inner organs become wonderful possessions and enjoyments of gods and humans.
Sometimes regret is felt for having given something. This creates the karma of miserliness. True offering should not be like this; instead, you should completely and sincerely give from the depths of your heart. If you sincerely renounce and dedicate whatever you offer without any clinging, you’ll receive the same merit as if you had actually made the material offering.
Each time you recite the six-session prayer you dedicate your body, life and wealth to your guru and then request his help. You should actually give up attachment to these things, but instead you still think of them as yours: “my body, my possessions.” By verbally offering them while still thinking of them as yours, you receive many downfalls.
Visualize many objects of your attachment, aversion and ignorance in the space above Mt. Meru, and offer all this to your gurus. Don’t visualize one object only: for example, if you have attachment for someone, imagine offering many numbers of that person. Think of possessions or certain types of food that you like, imagine them multiplied many times and offer them to your gurus without any sense of loss. By offering the objects of your negative mind you renounce them and thereby cut off your attachment to them. If they are offered sincerely to the guru-buddha, then they become his and no longer yours, so it is not appropriate to feel attachment or aversion for them.
Ordinary beings are pleased by material offerings, but the best offering to make to your guru is your renunciation of the three poisonous minds. Your guru is extremely pleased by this; not for himself, but because he knows that this is the only way you will achieve liberation.
The essential meaning of giving up is not giving up the object, but relinquishing your attachment to it. A renounced mind is the best offering. It’s no use making offerings to your guru unless you completely offer your body, speech and mind. And once you have offered your body, speech, mind and enjoyments to your guru you should never again think of them as “mine” or try to prevent others from using or taking them.
Therefore, when making the inner offering it’s very powerful to think, “As I have offered my body, speech, mind and the objects of my three poisonous minds to my guru, how can I ever again use them for myself? From now on I must use them only according to his wishes. What does he wish? That I become Buddha to enlighten all sentient beings. For that to happen I cannot use these objects to carry out the aims of my negative mind; that would be completely opposite to my guru’s wishes. I would be misusing my guru’s possessions.”
At the end of the prayer of the inner offering, think, “By offering the objects of my three poisonous minds and those of all sentient beings, may those objects and poisons automatically disappear from our minds.” Imagine that the three poisons have dissolved into emptiness. Even the names, “attachment”, “aversion”, and “ignorance” cease to exist.
3. The Secret Mandala
Here, you manifest as a deity and then your own dharmakaya nature manifests as the mandala. The aspect is the universe: the golden ground, Mt. Meru, etc., but its essence is the transcendental wisdom of non-dual bliss and emptiness. You can visualize yourself as the deity in your own pure land and offer that to your gurus.
4. The Suchness Mandala
Recognize that the three circles: yourself, the action of offering and the guru (or subject, action and object), are all merely labeled by mind and do not exist from their own side. So you are offering the empty nature of these three. See that the appearance of a self-existent circle of three is like a mirage or a dream. As the subject, action and object are all merely labeled by mind, it’s like offering a mandala in a dream. This practice cuts the root of samsara.
These four types of mandala offering can be practiced consecutively or simultaneously. To practice them simultaneously, first meditate on emptiness. Then, from the blissful space of non-duality you manifest as the deity. The different parts of your divine body, the nature of which is the dharmakaya, transform into the various features of the mandala. Then recognize that yourself (the deity), the action of offering and the object of the offering (your guru) are unified in non-duality.
Dedication
At the end of every session of offering mandalas, recite the following prayer written by Lama Tsongkhapa:
May none of these merits become the cause of taking pride in understanding, reputation or receiving things. May these merits only become the cause of attaining enlightenment.
How to Construct a Mandala with Three Rings
First Ring 1. Mount Meru 2. Lu pag po 3. Dzam bu ling 4. Ba lang choe 5. Dra mi nyan 6. Lu 7. Lu.pag 8. Nga yab 9. Nga yab zhan 10. Yoe den 11. Lam chog dro 12. Dra mi nyen 13. Dra mi nyen gyi da 14. Precious mountain 15. Wish-granting tree 16. Wish-fulfilling cow 17. Unploughed harvest 18. Precious wheel 19. Precious jewel 20. Precious queen 21. Precious minister 22. Precious elephant 23. Precious horse 24. Precious general 25. Great treasure vase
Second Ring 26. Goddess of beauty 27. Goddess of garlands 28. Goddess of song 29. Goddess of dance 30. Goddess of flowers 31. Goddess of incense 32. Goddess of light 33. Goddess of perfume
Third Ring 34. Sun 35. Moon 36. Precious parasol 37. Banner of victory in all directions 38. In the center, the most precious
timalderman 
