The long-term survival journey is one where it is easy to get lost along the way. Low motivation, low self esteem, social,isolation, lethargy, and a victim mentality can lead to feelings of worthlessness, seeing no value in your own existence, and survivor guilt…all my friends have died so why am I still here! It can be overwhelming.
We have already spent 30+ years of our lives popping life saving pills, thousands of pills…and still with no end in sight. Pretty well every organ in our bodies has been subjected to incredible stress. Our minds have been tested beyond belief. We have been so low that we thought there was no coming back. Lipodystrophy and lipoatrophy have ravaged and aged us early, made us unrecognisable, made us feel ashamed of our own bodies, reticent to strip in front of strangers, in front of even lovers. We have lived without immune systems, a state of inherent danger, not knowing what was going to attack you next, a world where even a cold or the flu could be deadly. We have been eroded by strange diseases, live right now with their devastating consequences. And now we live in a world where younger generations don’t understand us, don’t understand why we carry rage, why we roll our eyes at recent seroconversions, who carry on as though death was lurking around the corner. We have met death, witnessed its cruelty. You have nothing to fear!
Yet…we are here! Present! Sentient! We carry a world of knowledge that no one seems to want to know about.
So what do we do, wandering in this alien landscape? Do we bend, fold and cower…or do we BLOOM! This world is trying to put us down, humble us when we have already been humbled. But there is one thing this world doesn’t know…we are, and always have been, fighters. We make a fist and punch the shit out of it! Then we stand back and roar at it “You are not going to win!”. Our world is not what it was! Having already been deconstructed, the only choice left is…reconstruction. So we stop! Re-evaluate! Pry around our fragile edges, gouge out the positives! Rip our lives to pieces, then sew it back together again into a fabric of renewal. We re-educate, for our past is not our present! We reconnect, seek out those from our past who valued us for who we are…and take steps to make new acquaintances, find those who bring joy, laughter and value into our lives. We feed our bodies, this indestructible machine, with goodness, purity, health. We strip ourselves naked, stand proudly in the light, and rebuild our broken frames. We glare at those who put us down, and yell “FUCK YOU…if you want to learn, come to me…otherwise, bring others down with your ignorance!”. We reconnect with life! Everything is right there in front of us…you just need the hunger to grab it by the balls, and say “make me whole again!”. Don’t give it choices! Never accept no as the answer! Take it…mould it…your new, renewed life waits! Don’t waste the opportunity! Long term survivor is not three dirty words! It is empowerment! Having survived, you rise up…proud…arrogant…and step confidently into the new.
Mantra
I am here! I’m not going away!
Tim Alderman 2023
timalderman 
I have been through exactly what you have Tim! But I am still here!! Lots of sad memories and sometimes I feel guilty that I survived! But I am still here. Living as healthy as I can still popping pills and doctors.
Merry Christmas.
Thanks Keith…yes, it’s about reconnection and reinvention…never giving in, never becoming a victim. Have a great Christmas mate.
Tim your account reminds me of a recent experience. I was best man at two friends wedding and it was conducted by an MCC pastor.
Afterwards we were talking about the church since my days there that started in 1988.
He said young people ask him why ‘this aids quilt’ has to hang in the chapel. They did not see it as relevant any more!
I remember it as only yesterday the Sunday night we stood in Hyde Park participating in the AIDS Vigil.
Leonard
Yes, there is a very definite lack of knowledge, and respect, for gay history, and the people and organisations that gave the youngsters the freedoms they have today. Not even a fleeting thought that when our generation came out, it was still illegal to be gay, and for many of us, that was our first battle…to gain recognition, and a legal status. The freedoms we enjoy day didn’t “just happen”…they were fought for. Unfortunately,n there is no longer a huge gay scene where one often gained knowledge, personal insights into the lives of many people, how we integrated and interacted, both sexually and socially. I personally embrace technology, but with the knowing that it does create distance, and false worlds, to many a total unreality. I am once again, after a break of 10 years away from HIV, back writing for Talkabout. It is well known that my focus was, and is, long term survival, and the history of not just gay people, but HIV/AIDS. It changed a generation, and its long reach is still with us today.
I loved every word of this, but most of all your closing mantra: ‘I’m here, and I’m not going away!’
Hear hear!